Family Matters - A Place for Fun and Laughter
by Joseph L. Hernandez, Ph.D.
As adults, our extended family tried everything to get mom to go camping. Even after begging, cajoling, and prodding her about how much fun it would be, she adamantly declined. Mom finally explained, “When I was young, my parents and I worked in the fields. After I got married, your dad and I followed the crops. We even worked in the vineyards and orchards when all of you were kids. Putting up a tent, living in it under the hot sun, and sleeping on the floor was not fun—it was work!” When it came to camping, mom’s perspective was: “been there, done that, moved on.”
Families work hard. They also need to know how to play hard. What’s fun for one family member is not necessarily fun for another. As a family educator and therapist, I recommend that families make time to have family meetings on a regular basis. At these meetings, focus on three things: what’s working in the family (ask every person to identify one thing), what’s one thing that can be improved (any grievances can be aired), and identify something fun to do (either during the meeting or in the coming week).
Parents establish the overall atmosphere in the home. It is their job to be leaders and models. As leaders, parents make rules, stick together, and stay in charge. Single parents seek out good friends for support in the difficult job of parenting. As models, parents make time for fun with their children, encourage them, and listen and talk together with their kids.
Unfortunately, some parents do not know how to have fun. They stay in a leadership role; these parents think that they have to constantly teach the children about rules and consequences even when they are playing a game. The attitude seems like, “We’re going to have fun, whether you like it or not!” Instead, parents need to temporarily set aside their leadership role and focus on being models. They can listen to their children and allow the kids to teach them how to play. Kids are usually very good at having fun.
A family where people laugh out loud, where playfulness is appreciated, and where fun is regularly experienced, will usually not have to worry about many of the problems that plague families today.
The modern family experiences extreme stress. Increased needs and reduced resources usually results in symptoms. The relationship between the adults is often strained because of a lack of communication skills and not knowing how to solve problems together. Children are often left on their own to figure out how to deal with school pressures and difficulties with peers. Some young people turn to gangs, substances, or other anti-social behavior to manage their stress. Parents may also deal with stress in unhealthy ways. They may rely on substances, may believe that money will cure their problems, may over-schedule their children into numerous activities, and may over-extend themselves and become unable to enjoy life. When parents and children are overwhelmed, no one is having much fun.
Parents, find out what your children enjoy doing. Find out by listening to them, by asking open-ended questions (such as, “Tell me three things you like to do for fun”). Spouses, think about what you like to do for fun separate from the kids. Families that take time to figure out what they like, plan time to do fun things, and are very specific about when they will engage in these activities are more likely to be successful in having fun.
A powerful definition of family is, “A place to belong and a place to grow.” |
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12/30/2011
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